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I have been away, long story.  Mostly stayed on track, but have struggled.  My friend shared a quote with me that has fairly much epitomised the last week or so of my life.  It’s:  “just when you realise that life’s a b*tch, it has puppies!”.  Either way, all the drama is hopefully behind me now, so it’s time to get back on track.   Tomorrow (20th January) i will have been alive, 16923 days.  That many days of unmanageability and powerlessness!  But no more.

Not my will but Thine, be done…

 Sheila xox

Have lost 9lbs this week.   I know that it is a lot of fluid loss, but i am so thankful.   This is the first time i have been under 400lbs for a long time and actually been able to actually weight myself.  I feel better for it too. 

Now, just to stay headed in this direction…  not my will but Thine, be done. 

Thanks to those who have sent such lovely notes of encouragement.. means a lot to me! 

Sheila xox

Late here and a bit too tired to write and make and sense.  Will give you a  longer update tomorrow.  Still on track and hoping that I will have lost enough for it to show on my scales for the first time in a long time.  3 more days until I check tho… trying not to obsess about that too, these days.  nite all xox

I have 3 days abstinence by the Grace of God, and the thoughts of bingeing to make these cravings go away, are still all around.  I know all that will stop, when i stop obsessing about what i am losing (nothing but a trip to an early grave) and be grateful, and start focussing on what i will gain… freedom from my food addiction and a life back, least of all a healthy one too. 

I went back to O.A. today and it was a great meeting.  I spoke to a lady about an eating plan, and even asked a another lady to be my sponsor.  I got some numbers to call as well.  Just to know i don’t have to be alone in this head helps.  Like all of you, are such a great help to me. 

I am getting back into a sleep routine now, and even went for a walk this evening.  It’s nice to know that i am on my way in the other direction, and i just pray for the strength to keep that life behind me.  I got some books from the O.A. group and started reading the first one.  It is all about me, and my reactions to food.  It made me cry to read, but it also gave me hope. 

That’s a difference between yesterday and today… i have hope.   Now for tomorrow…

Not my will but Thine, be done..

 Sheila xox

Hi all.  I have two days abstinence now.  The withdrawals and cravings, it is really hurting at the moment.  I know if i can do this FFSS detox i will be ok tho.. so thanks for all your messages of support.  I so want to make it this time… your help is so important to me, and much appreciated.  Sleep time now, Day 3 tomorrow.  

Not my will but Thine, be done. 

Sheila xox

It’s taken a while, been away and then the holidays but finally have… by the Grace of God, one day abstinence.   I am thankful.   Now for another one.   Not my will, but Thine.. be done. 

Thanks for being there for me.  Cya soon.  Sheila xox

Hello again all,

It’s been such a long while since I posted.  I have come by and read some of the posts a few times, but really felt so bad that i just would usually get up and walk away in disgust of myself.   tonight though i realised that if i can go anywhere for help it is here.  No where else can i think of on a daily basis of where i can go and be accepted at my worst.  Thank you all so much for being here…

So, i just read the last post I made before hurling myself off the weightloss wagon once again.  My usual vow to make this the last time blah blah blah.   Mercy, how many times now?  How many promises to myself, and worse… others?  How much more insanity? 

That’s what it is… insanity.  I know it, and even when i know it is and what has to be done, i don’t do it.  I just keep going, with even more insanity.  It’s been maybe about 12 weeks since i last posted, and of course… i’m back with 12 more lbs to lose.  Well 12 lbs is a guess, because my scales only go to 399 lbs, and they have been there for a few weeks now. 

My feet hurt, my hips ache, my heart races sometimes… i am breathless when i walk, more than that i can’t even sleep some nights i feel so uncomfortable and even my skin sometimes feels like it is going to burst.   Everything is an effort.  It seems this last 10 lbs is really too much for my body to begin to cope with anymore.   The simplest and even most essential things are getting so difficult. 

I have one outfit left that i feel comfortable in to wear… even for work.  I feel and look so unhealthy… just quite awful.   Not that they love me any less, but i don’t even want to go places with my kids anymore, for fear that i might bring shame on them. 

I know i have to do something.  I looked into weightloss surgery and think that may be my only option, but i so don’t want to have to do that.  So i’m back, one more time.  Again.  Another deep breath and another try… with a prayer that tomorrow a miracle will come and this time i will be able to do what i need to do for it to stay. 

Tomorrrow, i start holidays for 6 weeks.  Tomorrow i start my new eating plan.  Tomorrow i pray for the strength to just make 24 hours without overeating.  Just one day.  If i can do that, then… maybe i can do another one.   

Thy will not mine, be done.

Sheila

Bigger than ever now at 390lbs.  Mercy, i just want this insanity to stop.  I’m back, to stay… i pray.  Luv to all… Sheila xox

Thanks so much to all the people who have kept in touch while I have been out of circulation.  We’ve had a bit of a drama here.  I have both my teenage daughters at home quarantined for H1N1 virus, waiting for the test results to be returned… and of course, up and down all night checking them, and all that goes with it, I’m just been eating when ever I get a chance and no surprises here… whatever is in front of me.

Anyway, 3 days into their flu they seem a little better this morning (out of bed, drinking more and eating a little) so i’m hoping the test results won’t show anything more serious than a bad cold or regular flu.   I won’t believe they are better until they start sledging each other over clothes and makeup and bickering over who’s turn it is to sit in the front of the car. 

So I thought I would try and start again this eating plan again today.  Hope all are well! 

Thanks again for all the support, and will be in touch.

Sheila xox

Hello again all!  It’s been so long since i have even been online.  I hope all are doing well, and reaching goals day in and day out.  For me, i’m doing ok.  Just finished my holidays here, and back to work this week.  All my plans went out the window, but still managed to paint the shed, remove from the garden any plant that drops leaves, and buy a new car.  Oh, and did i mention… play taxi driver to, two teenage girls and their friends.  

Most amazing of all, is the fact that despite my very best efforts to sabotage my eating plan, constant invitations to ‘catch up’ with friends aka, drink cappuchino and eat cake in expensive cafes… i even managed to lose another 3lbs.  I’m so much a creature of habit, i really am better when i’m in the routine of going to work and having the kids at school… because then i am less inclined to eat for the sake of eating… and a myriad of other wrong reasons.

So, i’m back… and grateful for my small loss, and even more grateful of the nice people i’ve met here.  Thanks again for all your support.   It’s so very much appreciated…

Not My Will, But Thine, Be Done…

 Sheila xox